The lead in this tale is Darius, famed for his tight-fisted ways with money that would make Felix Grandet from "The Miser" seem positively extravagant and lavish with his spending.
Darius could not part with a shilling you see, and a notebook was maintained with any triumph in terms of a save. Every penny went in there. A fifty pence saving was a win.
He went to extraordinary lengths to save money. One afternoon he dropped his tupperware box of cod soup for his dinner all over the car park floor outside his house. The dead crow's corpse nearby did not deter him, so he scooped the soup and fragments of cod (and gravel) back into the box.
The thought of paying twice for a dinner was unthinkable.
A week later, Darius started to feel the urge to fly.
A month had passed and his memory had improved greatly - like most of the corvid family.
Two months on and he had taken a liking to birdseed and avoiding ones of prey.
Six months since the cod debacle, Darius had grown wings as the crow DNA had somehow crept into his soup and thus into his own DNA.
Darius liked his wings, and while it slightly hampered his ability to write emails for work, he was delighted that he saved money on expensive rail travel as he could simply fly there instead. A saving of £15 per day.
The wingspan grew as fast as his Premium Bonds.
Being a crow had no downsides for a year for Darius, as the savings outweighed the negatives. However, as the DNA continued to develop inside of his body, he started to gift
silver to random strangers, and this was starting to cost him even more than the travel.
Crows famously like to give silver, and it was costing Darius a fortune with bracelets, chains and plated whatnots.
He was back to square one in terms of spending, in fact, even more so, as the price of silver had rocketed.
By Alan Dudman 2024
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